Blog

I miss my comfort zone…

My nails are chipped, my mascara nervously picked off, my stomach fat, and my hair pristine in the hopes that washing and blow drying it everyday will somehow boost my confidence. Everything is off. Everything is not okay.

“In order to be truly happy, you need to step out of your comfort zone,” my ex-colleague said to me, when I was weary about leaving my previous company for a new opportunity. She said her biggest regret was never having the confidence to get off of Long Island and live somewhere else even if just for a little bit. She said it still haunts her today.

When she said that to me, in the moment, it made perfect sense. And I’m sure you reading this now could agree; new experiences are essential when it comes to growing as a person, finding yourself, learning about the world, and ultimately, finding happiness in this life. Obviously. Of course it is. But my question is: why does it have to be so damn hard?

I’m happy here in D.C., I am, but like I said, it’s been hard. Really, really hard.

When I first left home for college back in 2012, I had (almost) the same feeling. The first week was so awful, I derived a plan to transfer to the community college back at home by the time my freshman year was up. I cried, I wrote angsty blog posts on my Tumblr, I complained to my mom; the whole bit. Eventually, it did get better. Like for everybody else, college became one of the most surreal experiences to date. But this is different. Everybody in college was in the same boat; actively looking to make friends and fit in, but here it’s not like that at all.

I feel incredibly out of place. I’m having an extremely hard time making friends. I don’t feel confident in myself. I don’t feel comfortable in my surroundings. I feel hopeless, full of doubt, self-loathing, and embarrassment. If this is what “stepping out of your comfort zone” feels like, I want back in.

I can keep telling myself it’ll get better, like it did in college, but not only was it a different situation back then; I was a different person, too. I wasn’t awkward, easily embarrassed, or nearly as insecure about myself as I am now. Back then, I could walk up to a group of people and make lifelong friends within minutes. Now? I cower at the group of girls here at work who are already the best of friends. I cower at the work I’m assigned to do because I don’t think I’m good enough to complete the tasks correctly and efficiently. I cower at my managers. I just. Cower.

And I don’t know when or how I got like this.

xox, Kait

Blog

Happy Snow Day!

It’s kind of fantastic how almost nothing changes when the chances of a snow day are looming over a frigid, January morning. I awoke this morning, anxious, frantically checking my email in the hopes of message from HR; “The office is closed today. Stay warm and safe!” And I was suddenly transported to those same, fidgety mornings in high school, where I awaited the same exact message, but in the form of a phone call.

When it comes to work, I’m not normally one to find excitement in missing a day. I work hard and I enjoy walking into the office, connecting with colleagues, and contributing as much as possible. I know I preach about this a great deal, but the most rewarding feeling is giving back to a world that has already given me so much, and a productive day at work gives me that feeling. However, today is a little different.

I’m moving to D.C. on Saturday to start a fellowship, and since I hardly gave myself enough time to get ready (I found out I got the position, and made the decision to take it just in time for me to put my two weeks in) it’s been a stressful couple of weeks. Between finding a place to live, packing, and carefully researching the company and position duties, I’ve hardly had the time to complete one task in totality.

Anyway, besides taking this day to prepare for the big move, it was important to spend some time writing this, and connecting with you all once again. Inspiration has been put on the back burner ever since my job hunt began (as I’ve been focusing all of my energy into my career lately) and I’m still working on a healthy balance. I hope everybody is doing well, and for all of you on the east coast; Stay warm and safe!

xox, Kait

Blog

i shrink myself

Most people don’t know this about me, but I LOVE to dress up. Ever since I was little I was always experimenting with makeup, dress-up clothes, playing alone in my room and basking in the of joy putting on some lipstick and a silly dress and not having to be Kait for a while. Halloween was (and still is) my favorite holiday, and now, as I’ve gotten older, have come to be comfortable enough to partake in the world of cosplay without feeling intimidated or scared.

I had a moment today where I desperately needed to do something loud because I felt silenced. So, I took off today’s makeup (just to put more on), got my favorite blonde wig, and literally just…. hung out in my room. And I felt better.

unnamed-7

I’ve been taught to be less of myself for a while and today it happened again. Lately, I haven’t been admitting to people when they’re making me upset, angry, anxious, or any other negative emotion because of past traumas. Plenty of “that’s a ridiculous thing to be upset over,” “you’re just crazy” kind of deals. So I shrink myself. I make as less of myself as I can. I say “it’s okay!” when it’s not so I’m not on burden on people’s lives. I disappear so I’m not an issue anymore. I dwindle. I’m not me.

And for whatever reason that’s way I’ve always liked to be.

unnamed-8

xox, Kait

Blog

NY -> DC

I haven’t updated in a while, I know, and it’s been taking a toll on me. I had to hold back doing what I love for the sake of getting my life together and honestly it’s still not even there. I haven’t had time to sit down and write everything out and just BREATHE since Halloween, but I’m starting to make some headway. Remember when I was updating everyday back in October? The good ole days.

Anyways, I landed a position in DC! The applications were taking up A LOT of my free-time. So I’m finally making the big move at the beginning of January. It’s a fellowship, so it’s temporary (January-May), but I think it’s going to be a great experience. The company seems excellent and the area is one I’ve wanted to be in for a while. Now I just need a place to live.

I really wanted to make a cool come-back with a new theme, a new name, etc. but I had a really hard time straying from what I have now. Any suggestions?

Some other exciting things that have happened in the past two months:

My cousin got married!

24909922_1449971941786995_3539984878048433254_n24993501_10156126519392189_1829722868530291694_n

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My brother had TWINS! Logan and Hudson.

25299497_10210835630982895_3070503937573934698_n25152385_10210835631062897_6879155929697708867_n

And, um, that’s basically it. What has everyone else been up to?

xox, Kait

Creative Writing

First *Published* Creative Writing Piece

Hey guys! I’m sorry I haven’t posted all week. I’ve been incredibly busy with job applications, social responsibilities, and all around mental clearing. Although, I feel like I’m seriously deteriorating. Anyway.

I received an email last night that my piece “Recounting Winter” finally got published by Germ Magazine! It would mean a lot to me if you guys would check it out and/or leave a comment on it. I know my writing family’s got my back.

You can read it here.

Thank you guys 🙂

Blog · Uncategorized

The Morning in New York

Today, it’s cold outside. Finally. I knew from the moment I woke up. My lips were chapped, my mom was telling my dad “it’s chilly out!” as she prepared for her morning walk, my arms were developing faint goosebumps. All the signs were there. Making my morning commute to New York City that much more bearable. Imagine; driving thirty minutes to the train station, waiting for the train to arrive, boarding the subway, walking ten minutes to your office in the slightest bit of heat. If you can’t imagine it I’ll tell you right now: it’s sweaty. Mostly on my back.

They ask me if I like it. My mom, dad, aunt, cousin, brother. “Are you a city girl yet? Do you see yourself in the city?” I do; mom, dad, aunt Kim, Jill, Greg; I do, but not this one. I see myself with the sky. I mean, I’m always with the sky but you know what I’m saying. You can’t see it in New York. The tall buildings that are everybody’s favorite! That make New York New York. I don’t want to feel the sun, but I want to see it.

I was seven when I first went to Washington, D.C. It was hot. I drank a lot of water, I wore a visor, I saw the monuments, I saw the sky. I went to college as close as I could get; Salisbury, Maryland. Close enough, right? I tried to stay there. I tried to plant myself there like a tree. I tried to watch myself grow. I failed. I went back to the place with the invisible sun and withered some more. A year later. Though planted nowhere.

nonfiction · Uncategorized

Women in Media excerpt

Something near and dear to my heart from a larger piece I wrote on the ever-changing portrayals of gender in media:

When discussing a shortage of females in the media, it is important to note that this could not mean a literal lack of females – but a lack of females depicted as actual females rather than sex symbols. Cited observations can attest for this negative representation; for one, female characters tend to be sidelined, stereotyped and sexualized, clearly imbalanced when it comes to employment, forced to come up against a glass ceiling on TV, and short in terms of working in STEM fields (2012). In order to change this stigma, content creators need to consider placing more substantial female characters as leads in extremely popular shows. For example, including more females in roles such as Jane Doe on Blind Spot or Carrie Mathison on Homeland. Both of which show strong women, handling their own, and working jobs outside of the home instead of catering to their husbands. To sum it up perfectly, “both young girls and boys should see female decision-makers, political leaders, managers, and scientists as the norm, not the exception. By increasing the number and diversity of female leaders and role models on screen, content creators may affect the ambitions and career aspirations of girls and young women domestically and internationally” (2012). If women continue to see other women in TV with inspiring careers and independent attitudes, then they will be more likely to achieve the same lifestyle.