When I hear the word pursue, I commonly think of two things: careers and people. Then again, why wouldn’t I? What is more important than pursuing a career you love and/or someone you love? But if you look up the dictionary definition it literally means “to follow (someone or something) in order to catch or attack them,” and suddenly I’m wracking my head for a better word to put on my resume. Suddenly, I’m thinking about stalkers, predators, lions in the jungle pursuing their prey. Suddenly, I’m searching for a better word to describe the boy down the street who I thought I wanted to pursue but now; only want to know. I was going to say “have” but how possessive?
Isn’t it strange how words, something so concrete and definitive, never really come across the way you want them to? We rely on them so much and yet, they’re never really there for us the way we hope they’d be. The way we meant for them to be.
Recently, I was told I think more emotionally rather than rationally. It was a realization that was always there, I suppose, deep inside that explained a lot of things. Like why I never think before I speak because my feelings are immediate, why my writing is always fueled by sadness, and why I act irrationally when my emotions aren’t satisfied the way I want them to be. I never understood why, most of the time, I have regretted a lot of my actions and the things I say to people I care about wherever emotions are involved. But looking back on it now, after hearing that take on myself, I realized it was because I never had the time to think rationally. Because it’s true. Maybe I don’t think rationally at all.
It’s not a bad thing. But I’m taking it negatively because of how many times I seemed to have lost my mind when things were not in my control. I could blame it on my parents for giving me everything I have ever wanted growing up, but how cliche? This is my fault. This is my own fucked up thinking. This is my problem to fix.
This month is going to be really hard but extremely important. I have always viewed myself as a mature person but I have a lot of growing up to do these next few weeks. I need to learn how to be okay, behave reasonably, and more importantly not drag anybody down or push anybody away (even further than I already have) just because things are not in my control. I can’t make people feel the way I do, and I shouldn’t except them to. I have always been ashamed at how intensely I feel things whether it be love, dislike, excitement, etc. and now that I’ve figured out why that shame exists, I have to push it all away. I have to be rational in this pivotal moment.