I haven’t blogged in a long time, I know. But if you want the whole, sad, typical truth I actually haven’t had the time. Yes, my crippling anxiety/fear of writing coupled with my ever-looming writers block doesn’t help, but a lot has changed for me these last couple of months. I so desperately wish that change was always a good thing, focused only on approaching you when the universe finally decided to cut you a break and deem it worth necessary to get you moving forward – to where you want to be, but I still can’t decide if all this change is good or bad. If I’m being completely honest, it’s been kind of rocky.
I’ve been working part-time as a Marketing Assistant for the past year and after this dreadful summer I couldn’t help but feel more stuck than ever. It didn’t seem like I was advancing to a full-time position any time soon (in fairness, I haven’t exactly pushed for it but we’ll get to why later) and I didn’t feel I was being very challenged either. In a sudden and desperate need to do something new, to finally feel like I’m moving forward with my life, I applied for a part-time, un-paid internship in New York City (about an hour from my current home on Long Island) doing marketing and publicity. All this marketing and I’m not even 100% sure that’s what I want to do.
That leaves me working 9-5 as a Marketing Assistant MWF and commuting into the city every Tuesday and Thursday, which, as you could imagine, takes up the entire day. Since this internship isn’t paid and I am losing money taking the train in twice a week, I’ve decided to keep my weekend job at the winery, leaving my weekends all booked up as well. Bummer, right? I am fully aware this is what a lot of people have to go through in order to get to where they want to be eventually, but how is it possible I still don’t feel like I’m going anywhere?
The thought of being stuck on Long Island, in my parents home, terrifies me. I’m getting really comfortable at my MWF job, which isn’t a bad thing, but a part of me is afraid that if I get offered a full-time position there… I’ll never leave. Not to mention I’m revolving my future career path entirely around marketing, just because I kind of got roped into it, whilst being pretty fucking sure it’s not what I want to be doing. All of this 9-5, commuting, office work stuff has only made me realize one thing: it isn’t the life I want.
I’ve debated going back to school, but fear it’s a waste of money if I’m just going to end up sitting in an office anyways. My boyfriend has been a huge inspiration for this call to action, as he’s currently applying for a Fulbright Scholarship in Germany (another pressing issue that I’m ignoring) and the hard work and dedication he’s putting into it makes me want to get up and do something, too. I just don’t know what.
If you’ve read this all the way through, I really appreciate it. I know it’s probably not ideal to listen to some lost 20-something complain about her life that really isn’t all that bad. Especially when people in Puerto Rico are homeless, without power and devastated right now, but it’s refreshing for me to type out my anxieties. Besides, as this blog is kind of like my own personal journal that I completely suck at updating, I can only hope it will be fun to look back on someday and laugh at the girl who thought she was going nowhere.