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To Bumble

Whenever I’m confronted with a new daily post topic I always go straight to the dictionary definition just to see how else the word is accurately perceived. Obviously, when i saw ‘bumble‘ I couldn’t help but think of a busy bee, flying around, searching for honey in pink flowers. The poor thing! Blissfully unaware of how the humans fear it so! But then I looked at the word in terms of a verb: to bumble.

bum-ble (verb): to move or act in a confused manner.

This is when I realized: if bumble bees have received their name because of this very definition, then those honey-sucking terrors are not so different from myself.

Currently, I am moving through life in a confused manner. But if you have followed my blog these past few months, I suppose this isn’t news to you. My best friend Jamie describes it as being stuck in the “in-betweens.” Being in the in-betweens means you have a steady boyfriend but nothing too serious because you’re too young for marriage, you have a steady job but nothing to serious because you have just graduated college and this job is not in your field – only for experience, you also have a steady home… except it is with your parents and you’re desperately trying to be treated as an adult. It’s a rough stage. Nothing is settled. Everything is up in the air. And everybody around you keeps saying to enjoy it because “the 20’s are your best years” but how?

I’ve always had trouble with uncertainty.

Sincerely,
The Bumble Bee Sympathizer (I feel you, bees)

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The Art of Pursuing Words

When I hear the word pursue, I commonly think of two things: careers and people. Then again, why wouldn’t I? What is more important than pursuing a career you love and/or someone you love? But if you look up the dictionary definition it literally means “to follow (someone or something) in order to catch or attack them,” and suddenly I’m wracking my head for a better word to put on my resume. Suddenly, I’m thinking about stalkers, predators, lions in the jungle pursuing their prey. Suddenly, I’m searching for a better word to describe the boy down the street who I thought I wanted to pursue but now; only want to know. I was going to say “have” but how possessive?

Isn’t it strange how words, something so concrete and definitive, never really come across the way you want them to? We rely on them so much and yet, they’re never really there for us the way we hope they’d be. The way we meant for them to be.

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A Blogger Fueled by Emotions…

Recently, I was told I think more emotionally rather than rationally. It was a realization that was always there, I suppose, deep inside that explained a lot of things. Like why I never think before I speak because my feelings are immediate, why my writing is always fueled by sadness, and why I act irrationally when my emotions aren’t satisfied the way I want them to be. I never understood why, most of the time, I have regretted a lot of my actions and the things I say to people I care about wherever emotions are involved. But looking back on it now, after hearing that take on myself, I realized it was because I never had the time to think rationally. Because it’s true. Maybe I don’t think rationally at all.

It’s not a bad thing. But I’m taking it negatively because of how many times I seemed to have lost my mind when things were not in my control. I could blame it on my parents for giving me everything I have ever wanted growing up, but how cliche? This is my fault. This is my own fucked up thinking. This is my problem to fix.

This month is going to be really hard but extremely important. I have always viewed myself as a mature person but I have a lot of growing up to do these next few weeks. I need to learn how to be okay, behave reasonably, and more importantly not drag anybody down or push anybody away (even further than I already have) just because things are not in my control. I can’t make people feel the way I do, and I shouldn’t except them to. I have always been ashamed at how intensely I feel things whether it be love, dislike, excitement, etc. and now that I’ve figured out why that shame exists, I have to push it all away. I have to be rational in this pivotal moment.

 

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Where to Begin – For Someone With Minimal Talent

Where to Being – For Someone With Minimal Talent

Lately, I’ve been especially struggling with several different aspects of my life. I say especially because although I have struggled before, it was never with things as important than this, or at a time more imperative than this one. Career, relationships, discovering what makes me happy in general, you know, typical worries for a 22 year old to have and that every adult swears will “sort itself out if you are patient.” Here’s the thing, though: I am not.

If I told you how many times I’ve tried to start a blog, a journal, a short story, really anything to do with writing for that matter, you would laugh in my face and probably tell me I am just not passionate enough. If I was, maybe I would’ve finished something by now. Maybe I would have kept up with that journal or finished that story or just flat out did anything I said I was going to do. However, not only am I impatient: I am a wanderer. Not in a dreamlike, romanticized, kind of way. I’m usually very present. But my passions wander constantly, taking a pit stop and different destinations until it becomes too comfortable or scared and has to flee.

I want to be a writer. I want to publish books. I want to take pictures. So I do these things on a whim and then I stop. The destination didn’t get old for me, I just didn’t feel good enough for it. So here’s me expressing that I am going to get better. Everything still terrifies me, I still don’t think I am creative enough to over come it, but I am going to try.

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Fragility: Nothing to Hide

We’ve seen it before. The numerous articles implying that us girls and guys have to act cool, calm and collected in order to win over the affection of others. We have to act like we don’t give a damn. We have to act like we are okay with whatever our significant other is doing because we don’t want to seem crazy. I’m not sure how this started, but I do know that there is nothing wrong with being fragile.

If you are easily hurt, offended, or upset, it is okay. This is a reminder not to hide your feelings.

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Perplexed by Hate (but who Isn’t?)

Like most people,  I fall victim to obsessively checking any and all social media platforms when I wake up. Part of it is my FOMO or fear of missing out on all the posts I’ve missed during my snooze but the main reason is sheer procrastination. I have become accustomed to all kinds of posts: the rants, the memes, the promos. However, there is still one kind of post I could never get used to: the opinion. But not just any kind of opinion: the one that is fueled solely and purposefully by hate. I completely understand that with the presidential race there is a lot of that going around, which is fine, because it matters. What I am perplexed by is the hate that occurs over stuff that makes other people happy and does not directly affect others.

My examples will be brought to you by Twitter so you can get a better idea of what I’m saying. We’ll start with Cole Sprouse:

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I value your opinion, Cole Sprouse, I really do. But I am perplexed by why this bothers you so much? Why is this such a horrible thing? Why can’t you do it anymore? If we enjoy the dog filter, we are going to use the damn dog filter. Don’t you have other things to worry about? In the words of Kourtney Kardashian, Cole, there are people dying. 

Next we will focus on a few I stumbled upon featuring the hate women receive for, like I said, doing what makes them happy. Through my research I found that people tend to question why girls do things more so than guys. Worst part? The shade is usually coming from other girls:

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Ok, so the hickey thing I kind of get. It could make people uncomfortable and let’s face it they aren’t very appropriate in most settings; however, some people (I guess girls, in this case) want to show them off.  So what? No one is implying they are cute. Sometimes it’s exhilarating to show off your amazing sex life without even having to say anything. What’s the harm in that? Who is it hurting? As for the other two, it blows my mind and perplexes me to no end that girls are still putting other girls down for when and why they wear makeup. By all means I am not implying that girls need makeup to feel beautiful; however, some girls do rely on it for a self confidence boost and that’s okay.  Let people do what they want with their bodies. Especially if it makes them feel good. If you feel better going to a pool party dressed up and taking a selfie before bed with a face pull of makeup on then go for it! You look bomb either way, girl. You do you.

Obviously girls aren’t the only ones who suffer from this. For example:

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Yes, some guys go over board with the car posts. But who cares? No one is implying it’s cool. Most guys are incredibly into cars and if I had the gaul to constantly post pictures of my makeup I would. I applaud people for sharing what they are proud of and passionate about.

There are so many other things in this world to be concerned about. I’m telling you. Everyone is completely entitled to their own opinions, hell, this right here is an opinion piece; however, I do think it’s important that we don’t put people down for doing what they want to do as long as they aren’t hurting anybody. Using the dog filter, wearing makeup to pool parties and to bed, taking pictures of your car? Good for you. As a society we need to get passed putting others down and questioning people for trivial stuff like this. It is important for us (and especially us girls) to stick together. Until then, I’ll be chillin’ in that constant state of perplexity.

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It’s Hard out There for Makeup Lovers (blog)

It’s Wednesday afternoon. I am sitting in my living room, chair reclined, hair up in a messy bun I actually worked very hard on, and a face of makeup on my otherwise dull and blotchy face. It is only a matter of time before my mom, dad, and brother come home from work and ask me the dreaded question: why are you wearing a face full of makeup just to sit at home and watch TV?

I realize this sounds slightly pathetic as I write. Fortunately, it’s probable that a lot of people cannot relate because unlike me: a lot of people are employed. However, I do know from past experiences that this very question gets asked in the workplace as well as outside of it. Why are you wearing so much makeup to go to work? Why did you beat your face down just to stare at a computer? Who are you trying to impress here in the office? Etc. I’m sure you know what I mean. The best reaction to this, I found, is to roll your perfectly winged and shadowed eyes and walk away. Because no matter how many times we try to explain, most people continue to view us as shallow or try-hards.

Us makeup lovers seriously get so much shade. If we are not getting reamed for wearing too much or wearing too little, we are getting butchered for how much we spend on it (and yes even I can agree that sometimes $60 for foundation is outrageous) but there is no harm in indulging on something you are passionate about. I see the face as a canvas and my foundations and concealers and highlighters are the tools I use to make art. I enjoy sitting at my vanity, tying my hair back, applying lotion, and going IN. I look forward to that every morning even if I am not going anywhere. Even if I am just sitting on the couch watching TV all day, I look forward to creating art on my face and experimenting and improving. I enjoy trying out crazy colored eyeliners and discovering which eye shadows bring out my brown eyes. I enjoy trying different blending techniques. It’s like everyday is a new creation.

Take an artist for example. Not a makeup artist, but tools on canvas (or what have you) kind of artist. This artist can experiment with pastels, watercolors, spray paint, anything. All of these different mediums and tools are very expensive, and still, I don’t think it’s as looked down upon. I am in no way implying that artists have it easy (I know very well it’s difficult and can get discouraging) but I do know that when people find out my eyeliner is $20, I always get the same reaction: why spend $20 on eyeliner when you can get it for $5 at Wal-Mart? Well, the same reason the artist wants to spend hundreds on legitimate supplies. The same reason that car lover spends thousands supping up his truck.

But the hardest part isn’t even the judgment we get for spending. It’s the constant assumption that because we wear a lot of make up it means we are insecure. I have had girlfriends of mine tell me I “don’t need to try too hard” and put me down for how much I wear. I have had douche bag guys ask me what I’m hiding behind all of that “fake,” and of course I have had the classic boyfriend pep talk: “why do you wear so much makeup? You look so much better natural.” And it’s seriously simple: because I want to. Because applying it makes me happy, and yes, I admit, a little more confident. Because when my wings are sharp and my contour is fierce I feel like I can literally do anything. No, I don’t need it to feel that way but it definitely helps.

So, I am going to contour and highlight the heck out of my face before that doctor’s appointment and before that baseball game and especially before that job interview. I am going to spend that $60 on that foundation because it’s probably going to make me glow like the heavens and make my skin as soft as a puppies furry little head. I am going to beat my face down and wear it loud and proud and not because I’m insecure. Not because I have to. Because I want to.