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I think I’ve found my next step..

SWEDEN.

Yes, you read that correctly. Sweden.

If you’ve been following my blog for the past year you know that most of my posts consist of me complaining about the early twenties being a drag, not knowing where to go from here (career wise and relationship wise), feeling like I’m never going to move forward, and so on. I’ve been in a rut for the past year and half. That we all know to be true. But I think I’ve finally mustered up the courage to stop complaining about it and start doing something about it, believe it or not.

Going back to school has been on my mind since February. As much as I wish I had realized this urgency to continue my education prior to graduating college (as I would already be finished with my first year of grad school and beginning my second), I can’t complain that I’m realizing it now, at 23, when there is still time. For the past couple of months I’ve been researching publishing programs, creative writing programs, basically anything in the English realm of schooling and although the results have been satisfactory, the tuition prices have not.

I’ve thought about Stony Brook University’s creative writing program, as it’s close to my home and cheaper compared other schools, but the thought of being stuck in my hometown for another two years doesn’t sit well with me. It is a comforting thought, but I need to stop settling and start stepping out of my comfort zone. As a compromise, I attended a Masters in Publishing Information Meeting at NYU. I figured it would be far away enough from my hometown, but not too, too far. The program was everything I could have hoped for in terms of where I see myself in the future. Not to mention, you are pretty much guaranteed a job at one of the Top 6 Publishing Companies in New York. But $22,000 a semester…. that REALLY wasn’t sitting well with me.

That’s when the idea of Europe was presented to me. I was working my weekend job at the winery when one of my colleagues revealed he’s applying to one of the Masters programs at Stockholm University. The slightest mention of Stockholm automatically grasped my attention. In the past year I have visited the city twice and fell in love with it. I have family there, in fact, I have a lot of family there (couple of aunts and uncles, several cousins) and I took the opportunity to visit them (well, MEET them) not once, but twice this year. I started asking him questions about the application, about the area (he had visited several times and was more knowledgeable about it then myself) and started doing my own research.

Stockholm University has a two-year masters program in English and Transnational Creative Writing. All of the classes are spoken in English, I don’t need a GRE/GMAT score, I don’t need any letters of recommendation, all I have to do is apply. Granted, I must submit a short fiction piece and a letter of motivation, but the simplicity is still far too surreal. It’s like it fell directly into my lap as if to say “I’m here, Kait! Get to it!” $20,000 for the WHOLE PROGRAM, potentially a place to live (my family), and a chance to experience something so far out of my comfort zone I wince just thinking about it. The application opens October 16th, so the timing could not have been more impeccable, either. It’s so crazy… but I think I’m really doing this.

To everyone reading,

Wish me luck.

 

 

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It’s been a while

I haven’t blogged in a long time, I know. But if you want the whole, sad, typical truth I actually haven’t had the time. Yes, my crippling anxiety/fear of writing coupled with my ever-looming writers block doesn’t help, but a lot has changed for me these last couple of months. I so desperately wish that change was always a good thing, focused only on approaching you when the universe finally decided to cut you a break and deem it worth necessary to get you moving forward – to where you want to be, but I still can’t decide if all this change is good or bad. If I’m being completely honest, it’s been kind of rocky.

I’ve been working part-time as a Marketing Assistant for the past year and after this dreadful summer I couldn’t help but feel more stuck than ever. It didn’t seem like I was advancing to a full-time position any time soon (in fairness, I haven’t exactly pushed for it but we’ll get to why later) and I didn’t feel I was being very challenged either. In a sudden and desperate need to do something new, to finally feel like I’m moving forward with my life, I applied for a part-time, un-paid internship in New York City (about an hour from my current home on Long Island) doing marketing and publicity. All this marketing and I’m not even 100% sure that’s what I want to do.

That leaves me working 9-5 as a Marketing Assistant MWF and commuting into the city every Tuesday and Thursday, which, as you could imagine, takes up the entire day. Since this internship isn’t paid and I am losing money taking the train in twice a week, I’ve decided to keep my weekend job at the winery, leaving my weekends all booked up as well. Bummer, right? I am fully aware this is what a lot of people have to go through in order to get to where they want to be eventually, but how is it possible I still don’t feel like I’m going anywhere?

The thought of being stuck on Long Island, in my parents home, terrifies me. I’m getting really comfortable at my MWF job, which isn’t a bad thing, but a part of me is afraid that if I get offered a full-time position there… I’ll never leave. Not to mention I’m revolving my future career path entirely around marketing, just because I kind of got roped into it, whilst being pretty fucking sure it’s not what I want to be doing. All of this 9-5, commuting, office work stuff has only made me realize one thing: it isn’t the life I want.

I’ve debated going back to school, but fear it’s a waste of money if I’m just going to end up sitting in an office anyways. My boyfriend has been a huge inspiration for this call to action, as he’s currently applying for a Fulbright Scholarship in Germany (another pressing issue that I’m ignoring) and the hard work and dedication he’s putting into it makes me want to get up and do something, too. I just don’t know what.

If you’ve read this all the way through, I really appreciate it. I know it’s probably not ideal to listen to some lost 20-something complain about her life that really isn’t all that bad. Especially when people in Puerto Rico are homeless, without power and devastated right now, but it’s refreshing for me to type out my anxieties. Besides, as this blog is kind of like my own personal journal that I completely suck at updating, I can only hope it will be fun to look back on someday and laugh at the girl who thought she was going nowhere.

 

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To Bumble

Whenever I’m confronted with a new daily post topic I always go straight to the dictionary definition just to see how else the word is accurately perceived. Obviously, when i saw ‘bumble‘ I couldn’t help but think of a busy bee, flying around, searching for honey in pink flowers. The poor thing! Blissfully unaware of how the humans fear it so! But then I looked at the word in terms of a verb: to bumble.

bum-ble (verb): to move or act in a confused manner.

This is when I realized: if bumble bees have received their name because of this very definition, then those honey-sucking terrors are not so different from myself.

Currently, I am moving through life in a confused manner. But if you have followed my blog these past few months, I suppose this isn’t news to you. My best friend Jamie describes it as being stuck in the “in-betweens.” Being in the in-betweens means you have a steady boyfriend but nothing too serious because you’re too young for marriage, you have a steady job but nothing to serious because you have just graduated college and this job is not in your field – only for experience, you also have a steady home… except it is with your parents and you’re desperately trying to be treated as an adult. It’s a rough stage. Nothing is settled. Everything is up in the air. And everybody around you keeps saying to enjoy it because “the 20’s are your best years” but how?

I’ve always had trouble with uncertainty.

Sincerely,
The Bumble Bee Sympathizer (I feel you, bees)

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The Art of Pursuing Words

When I hear the word pursue, I commonly think of two things: careers and people. Then again, why wouldn’t I? What is more important than pursuing a career you love and/or someone you love? But if you look up the dictionary definition it literally means “to follow (someone or something) in order to catch or attack them,” and suddenly I’m wracking my head for a better word to put on my resume. Suddenly, I’m thinking about stalkers, predators, lions in the jungle pursuing their prey. Suddenly, I’m searching for a better word to describe the boy down the street who I thought I wanted to pursue but now; only want to know. I was going to say “have” but how possessive?

Isn’t it strange how words, something so concrete and definitive, never really come across the way you want them to? We rely on them so much and yet, they’re never really there for us the way we hope they’d be. The way we meant for them to be.

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A Blogger Fueled by Emotions…

Recently, I was told I think more emotionally rather than rationally. It was a realization that was always there, I suppose, deep inside that explained a lot of things. Like why I never think before I speak because my feelings are immediate, why my writing is always fueled by sadness, and why I act irrationally when my emotions aren’t satisfied the way I want them to be. I never understood why, most of the time, I have regretted a lot of my actions and the things I say to people I care about wherever emotions are involved. But looking back on it now, after hearing that take on myself, I realized it was because I never had the time to think rationally. Because it’s true. Maybe I don’t think rationally at all.

It’s not a bad thing. But I’m taking it negatively because of how many times I seemed to have lost my mind when things were not in my control. I could blame it on my parents for giving me everything I have ever wanted growing up, but how cliche? This is my fault. This is my own fucked up thinking. This is my problem to fix.

This month is going to be really hard but extremely important. I have always viewed myself as a mature person but I have a lot of growing up to do these next few weeks. I need to learn how to be okay, behave reasonably, and more importantly not drag anybody down or push anybody away (even further than I already have) just because things are not in my control. I can’t make people feel the way I do, and I shouldn’t except them to. I have always been ashamed at how intensely I feel things whether it be love, dislike, excitement, etc. and now that I’ve figured out why that shame exists, I have to push it all away. I have to be rational in this pivotal moment.

 

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Where to Begin – For Someone With Minimal Talent

Where to Being – For Someone With Minimal Talent

Lately, I’ve been especially struggling with several different aspects of my life. I say especially because although I have struggled before, it was never with things as important than this, or at a time more imperative than this one. Career, relationships, discovering what makes me happy in general, you know, typical worries for a 22 year old to have and that every adult swears will “sort itself out if you are patient.” Here’s the thing, though: I am not.

If I told you how many times I’ve tried to start a blog, a journal, a short story, really anything to do with writing for that matter, you would laugh in my face and probably tell me I am just not passionate enough. If I was, maybe I would’ve finished something by now. Maybe I would have kept up with that journal or finished that story or just flat out did anything I said I was going to do. However, not only am I impatient: I am a wanderer. Not in a dreamlike, romanticized, kind of way. I’m usually very present. But my passions wander constantly, taking a pit stop and different destinations until it becomes too comfortable or scared and has to flee.

I want to be a writer. I want to publish books. I want to take pictures. So I do these things on a whim and then I stop. The destination didn’t get old for me, I just didn’t feel good enough for it. So here’s me expressing that I am going to get better. Everything still terrifies me, I still don’t think I am creative enough to over come it, but I am going to try.

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Fragility: Nothing to Hide

We’ve seen it before. The numerous articles implying that us girls and guys have to act cool, calm and collected in order to win over the affection of others. We have to act like we don’t give a damn. We have to act like we are okay with whatever our significant other is doing because we don’t want to seem crazy. I’m not sure how this started, but I do know that there is nothing wrong with being fragile.

If you are easily hurt, offended, or upset, it is okay. This is a reminder not to hide your feelings.